The voice that tried to steal my life

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I returned home after completing my education, all excited and energized for the life ahead. Everything was perfect, there was a welcome party and lots of people came. Suddenly I heard a Voice.

He won’t make it big, Computer Engineers work for free as they are everywhere and easily available.

That thing stuck me hard, fear crept into me, ‘would I make it or not?’, I started doubting myself. The voice continued in background everyone discussing about me indirectly, with everyone giving their views about jobs and computer programmers. These voices did nothing to calm me and what was supposed to be my day of enjoyment turned into a day of anger and frustration. It was like everyone were expert and were deciding my fate. I became numb and stared at everyone’s face, all I could feel was fear and all I could hear was the voice.

He is too childish and isn’t a proper professional, he will find it hard to work professionally.

He does not have that seriousness, he has a bad medical history, he will find it hard to work under pressure.

He hasn’t worked under someone, I can talk to XYZ company to take him.

I listened to everyone quietly, the people who barely knew about my works were there judging me, and filling me with doubts. I had just got home few hours ago, I don’t know how the hiring process works in Nepal. I just wanted to enjoy the day, I wanted to feel the excitement, joy and exhilaration. I wanted to drink, but the voice would not allow me that. I was there constantly thinking and thinking and thinking. I always wanted things to be crazy and exciting, now could I survive in another world, maybe the voice was right, I’ll never make it big. Then, the voices started telling me go to this place talk to this guy, say this guy has sent you. I was there, but I wasn’t and all I could do was say okay. Frankly, I never took help just for my selfishness and there was no way I wanted to get a job using someone’s influence. I wanted to build my path. I waited for everyone to leave and the night to be over. I wanted the voice to disappear from my head, so I can think. The voice grew louder and suddenly people were talking about how and where I should end up. After an hour or so of discussions the people started to leave they told me to do this and that. I was just glad that it was over. I then called my friends and asked them about job status in Nepal and selection process. They were like, just be yourself, you are good enough, but my confidence was really hurt by the voices and I just waited for the next day.

Next day, I decided to ignore the voices in my head and hear my own voice. I prepared my CV and stuffs, applied in some companies, in the next few days I got a job, I am still working am still crazy and childish at times, but it has never impacted my work, neither have I backed down under any sort of pressure. I rejected all the companies where I was, sent as a recommendation by someone, I told them directly I have no interest in entering a company with someone’s influence. I rebuilt my confidence, still there are voices that judges you and I can hear them nagging about something else but I have learnt to ignore these voices and listen to my own. Sometimes, I look at myself in the mirror and I wonder “What if?”. What if I hadn’t got the job? What if I hadn’t found My Voice? What if?, then I just hear a voice from inside, “It doesn’t matter, just do good everyday”. I then have calmness and happiness inside.

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